The Wait Is Over

I haven't been able to post, I've emailed those who wanted to know, but I haven't been able to post yet. ::sigh::

Who needs to wait until 14 dpo? Not me. At 10 dpo my temp dropped back below the coverline and then on 11 dpo I was spotting, and at 12 dpo there was no question left in my mind with the temp still down and the bleeding escalating...

It's over. That's right, the wait to know whether I'm pregnant or not this cycle is over, and it was a big fat negative, as I should have expected.

I REALLY thought we'd done it this time, that we'd gotten it right. I could almost see that positive FRED that I would wave through the house crying and laughing. But it was nothing more than a dream.

I wanted to make an appointment to see the doctor to start Clomid, but NeverExMarine is still adamant that we don't need it and he doesn't want me on it. I can appreciate his feelings (the ones he won't discuss since feelings aren't spoken about). He SAYS it's because he doesn't want me to have multiples...I think what he isn't saying is that taking something would mean that he couldn't fix it and he isn't willing to let go of that yet.

So he wants me to wait a few more cycles, it's only be two cycle really (this is the third now). I guess that is a valid point, except that these two cycles have taken me over 110 days and I only have evidence of ovulation on ONE of those cycles! So it's now day 2 of my third cycle. That seems like so few to be complaining about until you realize it's taken me almost a 1/3 of a YEAR to get those piddly two full cycles.

::sigh:: Obviously, I'm a grouchy bitch right now, so excuse me if I seem more sarcastic than usual. I'm also terribly sad. Not to mention in horrific PAIN! There are positives and negatives to being without birth control. The positive is that I can conceive - HAHAHAHAHA...yeah right. Anyway, the negative is that my endometriosis and friable cervix are given free reign to torture me. How much blood is too much again? Is soaking through a cloth pad in about an hour too much? How about pain? Is feeling like your uterus is being rung out really really hard too much? How about like someone is scraping their nails down the inside of you, is that too much? How about both of those together? Want to trade periods?

Okay, I usually bleed heavily, but this is atrocious even for me. I've always had terrible cramps too, but these are really no worse than normal. Though "normal" is about as painful as labor was until about 6-7 cm (yes, transition was worse, and pushing wasn't bad at all, it was actually a relief). I wasn't in much pain for most of my labor...why you ask? Because it was no worse than my cramping. Which cracked me up everytime the idiot OB would ask me how strong my contractions were (I was having preterm contractions beginning at around 20 weeks). I would say like cramping. He would say, oh just Braxton-Hicks...yeah sure, that's why my cervix was changing right? Not to mention that his idea of cramping isn't MY idea of cramping.

So, I'm going to get back to work now, so much to do, and of course the agony I'm in will be distracting me the whole fucking time!

EDITED TO ADD: My office manager just came up showing me the CUTEST little baby/pregnancy announcement she just received. Then wanted to know why I looked like I was going to cry...uhm, can somebody ELSE explain that one, if I'm forced to I may JUST cry.