Say Hello to My Little Friends

So, I think I mentioned that we moved into a new house back in May. Now I LOVE my new house. I particularly LOVE having a garage, especially a two car garage. Now that we're all up to speed...

I pulled into my garage after work last night and I come face to face (well through the windshield anyway) with the largest spider known to mankind. The bastard is sitting on my garage wall right in front of where I park.

I am sitting in my car breathless scared to fucking death - I hate spiders - staring at Godzilla the Spider who was staring right back at me. This bastard is larger than a silver dollar, okay?

I'm telling you that bastard saw me sitting there in my car quaking and said "Hey, baby, whachu doing?" Then eyed me with those many eyes of his. "Come here my tasty little morsel, I was going to wait for that blonde tasty tidbit that you call a 'child,' but you...you could be a meal." Then he drooled a little.

Because of where I park and where the door into the house is, there is no fast way past this monster who wants to get "just a little taste, baby...". I grab my stuff jump out of my car, slam the door, and run around the back of my car then towards the door to the house which is right next to Godzilla the Spider. He says, "What's the rush, my sweet little morsel?" I continue straight for the door.

Then he says "Wait, my treat...you cannot be running away now. Say hello to my little friends..." and at this point what appears to be a billion little spiders rush me from the sides of the garage. I run faster than my fat ass has ever run into the house and slam the door shut.

As I'm leaning against the door shaking, I hear my husband, NeverExMarine, pull into the garage. He comes in the door and looks at me. "Are you alright?"

"Didn't you SEE Godzilla the Spider out there?!! Where's Mr. Miracle?!"

To which I get the reply, "No...what spider? And Mr. Miracle's in the garage."

"Get him in HERE! Before Godzilla EATS HIM!"

My husband is just as afraid of spiders as I am, but stares at me like I've lost my fucking mind. His usual reaction to spiders is to smash them with whatever is at hand. He brings Mr. Miracle in, unscathed, and I tell him where Godzilla and his little army were hiding, and he says, "There is nothing here." He thinks I'm nuts.

Then NeverExMiracle let's the dog back in from the backyard (he let him out while telling me I'm nuts), and in comes a slightly big spider, not Godzilla, not even close in size to Godzilla....

NeverExMarine stomps him and says, "there Godzilla is dead." I inform him that Godzilla is 400000000000 times bigger than that little peon who was probably no more than a corporeal in Godzilla's army and Godzilla is laired in the garage, in front my car.

He still thinks I've lost my fucking mind. I'm beginning to think I'm nuts, too, maybe a little too much Clomid and blood draws you know?

So this morning I go out to get in my car and there HE is on the wall again, "Come back soon, my sweet little morsel, we'll be waiting for you..." And he and his army wave to me...

I am NOT going to even open the garage door tonight. Uh-uh. He can eat NeverExMarine.